In Part 1 of this series we discussed that a key to recognizing true love from counterfeit love is that true love will manifest itself as both love of self and others simultaneously. Sin when masked as virtue will often do a good job at mimicking love of self or the love of others, but will find it hard to do both.
In Part 2 we discussed why that is. It is due to the nature of sin being rooted in a fracturing of truth which is a fracture of the self. At the highest level this can be seen as a fracture of the inner and outer selves. This fracture is what allows a person to see a portion of truth in an imbalanced way, and indulge in it at the expense of everything else (the definition for selfishness or hate). But this blindness goes both ways and while allowing it to indulge in one aspect of truth, it is simultaneously only capable of mimicking the portion of truth it remains aware of, oblivious to the side it has shut itself off from – hence its tendency to be able to mimic love of self or love of others, but not both.
At the same time this fracture and blindness has other important and inherent characteristics that we can detect. In this post we will discuss what those characteristics are, enabling us to categorize and recognize all sin at a higher resolution. So not only will you be able to say it doesn’t appear like an action is loving to both self and others simultaneously, but you will have the tools to pinpoint exactly how it is happening. And then armed with the ability to recognize and pinpoint all sin we will then be ready to consider some familiar and practical examples to detect counterfeit love in our own lives and the lives of other people around us.
The ultimate aim being that by recognizing counterfeit love, we can see the evil in us for what it really is. By seeing the evil we then have the ability to course correct and properly analyze and navigate the tumultuous, loud, and contentious voices we are constantly bombarded with and instead invite integration, spiritual maturation, and true love in its place. It is this very process that will fill our lives with more meaning, harmony, and happiness.
The 2 Resultant Poles of Fractionation that Identify Sin: Inferiority vs Superiority, Walled-off vs Boundaryless
As touched upon in the last post in discussion of the above image, a fracture of truth in the self at the highest level can be seen as a split of inner and outer selves. This can be visualized in the above image by thinking of each individual as represented by a house, yard, and fence in a neighborhood of other individuals / homes. Inside the house represents the inner self, the yard represents the transition from the inner to outer self, and the fence is the appropriate boundaries we have with the outside world, that lets people in and keeps people out when appropriate.
When we are fractured, part of this fence becomes a stone or brick wall, and on that principle of truth the individual is split into inner and outer selves. Instead of acting as one cohesive individual, the two will act as if they have their own personalities, desire, and will without regards to the other.
Inferiority vs Superiority
And then being split from the other side of truth (the individual whether looking through the eyes of the inner or outer self, because both can’t happen simultaneously anymore) arguably the greatest problem is that an individual is no longer capable of seeing the full eternal and infinite value of themselves or others.
This inevitably leads to seeing people in a hierarchy of value according to the particular blind spots of the fracture, and placing one’s self somewhere in that hierarchy. Therefore the first specific scale we see inherent to a person acting from a place improperly indulging in fracture or sin, is that the action will come from a place of either inferiority or superiority.
Walled-off vs Boundaryless
Due to the fence being broken, dysfunctional, and now with a stone wall that has split the inner and outer selves, a person’s boundaries are also inherently broken on that principle when they indulge in the fracture. And this leads to the second major scale inherent in sin, depending on which side of the wall they are acting from their boundaries will either be overly walled-off inappropriately shutting out yourself or other people from each other, or boundaryless allowing somebody’s boundaries to be inappropriately and freely crossed by another.
These poles allow us to create what I call the quadrant model of sin, hatred, and selfishness. I have adapted this quadrant model from a fairly popular psychologist and therapist in the LDS Community who happens to live in my ward here in Chicago, who put it together from a collection of ideas from other current psychologists. I have thought through it a lot, and have tweaked the model as well as built upon the overarching explanation to reflect what I have learned since, including seeing this through the Jungian lens of the undeveloped and fractured or disintegrated self as a causal explanation.
The Quadrant Model of Sin, Hatred, and Selfishness
Due to the inevitable poles caused by the fracture of self, all sin and selfishness, whether overt hatred or more commonly counterfeit love (hatred masked as love), can therefore be categorized in four main groups:
- Walled-off inferiority
- Boundaryless inferiority
- Walled-off superiority
- Boundaryless superiority
Hatred in each of these quadrants exists in degrees. The lower levels of hatred we might call weaknesses or immaturity, the kind that every human being on earth is guilty of from time to time as we progress. The deeper the levels of hatred go the more readily we are able to recognize and characterize it as evil.
The degrees of hatred are represented by rings, like rings in a pond. Each ring goes through all 4 quadrants and has more in common with each other than the next ring further away or closer to the center. The further out from the center you go represents the further away from integration an individual is and the more deep-seated the hatred becomes.
As people sin in all 4 categories they are likely to be moving around all 4 quadrants from a place in a similar rung. But whether acting out of superficial levels or deeper levels of hatred, the source is the same – fracture and blindness that leads to selfishness and justification at the expense of the greater whole.
The integrated self in contrast acts in love and consideration of the whole in harmony, balance, and unity with all other aspects of truth. Love therefore sits at the center and represents proper integration. The more integrated you become, the more you have spiritually matured, and the more likely your actions will be coming from the pure center that is integrated love.
Mapping the Fractured Inner and Outer Selves onto the Quadrant of Hate
Now we’ve got our models let’s take a look at how an imbalanced preference for the inner or outer self might map onto our quadrant of selfishness.
Unbalanced Preference for the Inner Self
If someone has an imbalanced preference for the development of the inner self at the expense of the outer self, how will this begin manifesting itself in relation to the world?
- The inner self without the development of the outer self, fears the unknown of the outer others and therefore in times of inferiority will hide or wall itself off from others and getting to know them. We can visually imagine this as the fractured inner personality that wants to always sit inside the house.
- As the inner self develops, it will inevitably get lonely and want to be known. The less developed outer self will focus on the less developed inner self of others and instead of appropriate interacting with the outside of others, will inappropriately try to burst through other peoples fences in order to push the inner developed self onto the ‘weaker’ others.
This is the very definition of walled-off inferiority and boundaryless superiority respectively. Or in other words acting from the fractured and unbalanced preference for the inner self corresponds to diagonal quadrants 1 and 4 represented by the color blue.
Unbalanced Preference for the Outer Self
Now what of the person who has an unbalanced preference for the development of the outer self at the expense of the inner self? How will this manifest in relationship to the world?
- It fears itself or its lack of inner strength and therefore in times of inferiority will preference the group or the relationship to the group over the inner self, and therefore seeks to understand the group and take care of its needs by first molding into its image to find value and identity, which can also manifest as allowing the group or person in the relationship to freely enter and impose the group values on their inner self by allowing unbounded access to their yard.
- By assuming group identity and showing preference to it, it walls off the true inner self from group knowledge and can assume the moral superiority of the martyr (sacrificing self for the team, or special group/tribe). And if they hold what is valuable to that group, they will feel a sense of superiority to those who do not possess that thing – but not having an inner strength to display that superiority overtly – acting from the weaker inner self stands from inside the wall focusing the attention outside the wall condescendingly looking down on the outer others who are ‘less’ – thus feeling and expressing that superiority in the passive-aggressive world.
This describes boundaryless inferiority and walled-off superiority respectively. Or in other words acting from the fractured and unbalanced preference for the outer self corresponds to diagonal quadrants 2 and 3 represented by the color pink.
The Loser, The Codependent, The Mean Girl, and The Mob Boss
Now that we understand how a fracture causes a split in the inner and outer self, and how this split leads to indulgence or sin in the 4 categories outlined in our Quadrant Model of Hate, we are prepared to take a deeper look at what each category of sin entails and also to consider how we can recognize each category of sin when it attempts to mask itself as love.
1) Walled-off Inferiority – The Loser
This form of sin or hatred is characterized by avoidance or denial. It avoids or pretends a problem does not exist, and may uses hobbies (video games) or life (job) in an unbalanced way as a distraction. This is also most often where the misuse of physical lusts and addictions reside – as a means of indulgence to hide from emptiness, pain, or anxiety.
This category of hate can mimic love by extolling the virtues of individualism. A claim might be made that “I am living my truth” or that they are being authentic to their true self. Or it could take the form of I’m not ‘hurting’ anybody else – you have your life and I’ll have my life, no problem no worry.
But you can most easily detect this form of hatred because it ignores and sacrifices responsibilities to other people around them. It seeks to avoid people in favor of personal indulgence. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”, might be the question asked.
True love always answers in the affirmative, and while developing the individual self is important, will not shy away from confronting the difficult friction that naturally arises in relationships with others. It won’t pretend that friction doesn’t exist to avoid the awkwardness of confrontation , because it wants the air to be cleared. True love of self through individual growth will always care about nurturing the growth of relationships with others as well, and will not hide from that responsibility or do it resentfully, but will actively seek it out.
2) Boundaryless inferiority – The Codependent
This form of sin or hatred takes the form of an excessive need for the approval of others and leads to inappropriately accepting the impositions of others, or inappropriately taking on the responsibilities of others in order to feel a sense of identity or approval.
This type of hatred can mimic love in the form of the virtuous martyr, ‘caring’ so much for other people that you sacrifice your own needs for theirs. That’s good right? Not in its counterfeit form.
You can detect this form of hatred because while it might appear like a noble sacrifice on the outside, it doesn’t truly respect the self. It is seeking to earn something while undermining itself.
True love does not entail allowing people to take advantage of you, and in fact reveals that you do not love yourself (or them). And while it may be tempting to think you are loving others, true love does not prop up the evil in others that seeks to take advantage of others. Actively participating in and endorsing a tyrant’s behavior reinforces and perpetuates evil and is not good for the tyrant either.
True love will stand up for personal value, and will set appropriate boundaries, and the strength of love will be evident in being willing to call out the evil in others rather than brush off the fact they are taking advantage of you. True sacrifice for others takes the needs and desires of the self into the equation, and owns the final desire after taking in consideration everyone equally. True loving sacrifice will ennoble the individual rather than undermine them.
3) Walled-off superiority – The Mean Girl
This form of sin or hatred lives in the world of passive-aggressive superiority. It is often very controlling, but does so through covert manipulation. It is often status seeking and materialistic.
This type of hatred can mimic love in the form of group relationships. It can mimic the feeling of community, or even something akin to true family with the ulterior motives of the group not being so immediately evident.
You can most easily detect this form of hatred by looking at group members on an individual level. You will see that it is very difficult to know the true self of the people who are involved in this type of behavior, it’s hard to establish a genuine connection. It hides from personal development, from personal morality, and if you press it you might get the distinct impression that there is not much depth behind the surface veneer. You will know it, because it will be hard to get behind that veneer when you try to connect on a genuine level.
True love, true community, and true family specifically use the group as a vehicle and means of opening and bonding the inner selves of each group member one to another. This counterfeit instead tries to close this avenue off and places value on outward markers creating an inherent relational hierarchy. And when an individual veers from the group goals, does the group respond by reaching out in compassion and concern? Or is there a distinct feeling of being looked down upon for doing so? An air of arrogance from those leading the group? (Perhaps even as intentional relational punishment to keep you in line.) Relational aggression is not true love, relational compassion is.
4) Boundaryless superiority – The Mob Boss
This form of sin or hatred takes the form of power seeking. It seeks to impose its will on others through overt aggression, intimidation, force, or dominance. You cross others’ boundaries at their expense to get what you want (or believe you deserve).
This type of hatred can mimic love in the form of standing for an ideal. It will often make an appeal to just that, what is true, good, or right. It can be very compelling to see standing for an ideal as heroic or loving.
But in its counterfeit form you can detect this kind of hatred because it puts principles before people. What is ‘right’ will be used as a rod to pressure or force someone into submission. It is cold and uncaring, facts don’t care about feelings. And while that is a true statement, a person filled with true love will actually care about your feelings facts or not, which is precisely why they would be presenting the truth to you, as an extension of the arm of mercy, not as a means to dominate or win an argument.
True love will respect individual agency above all else. True love allows a person the right to choose evil just as much as the right to choose good, and rather than compelling choice, allows choice, and then instead exercises personal agency by responding appropriately to the chosen good or evil. True love will force no man to heaven.
Karate Kid
Ok, phew, that kind of felt like a marathon getting here. Have you made it this far? If so, I am genuinely impressed. I know how much people can really dislike theory without any seeming practical application in sight. Please bear with me, I am doing the best I know how to arm you with what I believe can be one of the most valuable practical tools to combat confusion, sin, and discord in your life. It has truly opened my eyes.
You may be feeling like Daniel in the Karate Kid wondering what putting the wax on and wiping the wax off of a car has anything to do with anything you care about at all. But as tough or frustrating as it might be at first to consider the theory, if you put in the effort to mentally understand these diagrams and paradigm, I believe you will be greatly rewarded and find yourself suddenly more capable of discerning the world in terms of good and evil as we delve into the practical examples in Part 4, and I think this information can change your life as it has mine.
Here are some questions you might consider to hone your skills in preparation for the practical examples we will get to in the next post. As a warm-up, consider someone that you are close to and around often, enough so that you are familiar with their weaknesses and can get annoyed by them.
- What are the two biggest things they do that bother, hurt, or have hurt you the most?
- Which quadrant in the quadrant of sin, hatred, and selfishness do each of those actions fall?
- In what ways have you noticed they excuse these weaknesses or hurtful behaviors away? Or what are the stories they sell themselves to feel justified about their actions?
This is a warm-up because the harsh reality is that it is much easier for us to recognize sin or hateful behavior in others. However, after you’ve thought that through a little I believe you will find the most value in considering the following:
- What are two of your own current behaviors that you know that you are in the wrong for doing? (Ask someone close to you if you’re having a hard time, I’m sure they can come up with something quickly :).
- Which quadrants do each those actions fall in? (i.e. Are you acting from a place of inferiority or superiority in each action? And in relation to the outer world are the actions coming from a place that are walled-off or boundaryless?)
- What is the most common story for each action that you sell yourself to justify your behavior?
- What might be the greater reality or the aspect of truth that your story doesn’t take into account? Or the part of the truth fractured off from the whole that you are intentionally or unintentionally obscuring that allows your justification to persist?
Next time we will see how all of this knowledge illuminates our everyday-world and can make all the difference. Until next time 🙂