It is no accident up to this point in the series that I have so heavily focused on the inner and outer aspects of self, just as it is no accident that love and joy are the fundamental principles I chose to focus this blog on. The reality is that this dichotomy is so fundamental to reality, so fundamental to Truth, that our very brains have adapted to it, which is why we have a left brain and right brain. It is also an explanation for why two sexes – male and female – exist.
All truth can be seen as a pairing of this fundamental dichotomy, and there are many ways to express the reality of this dichotomy that allow us to analyze it from different angles. Here is a list of some of those ways that literally and/or symbolically map onto one another:
- Outer self, Inner self
- Right brain, Left brain
- Chaos, Order
- Unknown, Known
- Creativity, Structure
- Love (the internal thing), Joy
- Beauty, Power
- Feminine, Masculine
- Female, Male
- Yin, Yang
- Liberal, Conservative
Knowing this, we can now analyze really any aspect of truth by considering how it maps onto this dichotomy, and then considering how leaning to one side or the other in an imbalanced way inevitably leads to hatred in one of the four quadrants of hate we discussed last post. In this post we are going to discuss two very common realities that most of us are familiar with, to see how we can more simply detect imbalance, fracture, and therefore hatred, even when it pretends to be love.
The first thing we will discuss is politics through the lens of Conservative and Liberal ideology (I generally have avoided politics because it is a breeding ground for hate, but it makes a great case study). And then we will jump into long-term relationship dynamics between Male and Female through the lens of the Masculine and Feminine, in which we will be able to detect the counterfeits of these godly energies when they devolve into toxic masculinity and femininity respectively.
Case Example #1 – Politics, Conservative and Liberal
The conservative position as its name implies tends to lean toward the known, or what is already inside as the tried and true, which is comparable to the truths of the inner-self. When it goes wrong it acts comparably to an imbalanced preference for the inner self. Whereas the liberal position as the name implies seeks beyond what is known toward change and in theory a hope for something better, which is comparable to the truths of the outer-self. When it goes wrong it acts comparably to an imbalanced preference for the outer self.
The Pathology of Imbalanced Conservative Ideology
As it leans toward an imbalanced preference for the inner-self the far right conservative position desires to border out “others” excessively, rooted from a place of fear. Because the problem can feel overwhelming and make the inner-self feel small, it will seek to avoid the issue by blocking it out or pretending others’ problems in the world don’t exist, or even calling the problems justified to not have to deal with it. This is quadrant 1, or the walled-off inferior position. It mimics love in the name of protecting the inner-selves or the members of that nation, but you can detect the hatred as it coldly disregards and vilifies the outer others. True love does not love the self while hiding from and hating the outside others.
And at the same time, the same far conservative position that wants to push others out also wants to push their developed self and agenda on these same others. This is quadrant 4, the boundaryless superior position. Like the mob-boss it claims love or virtue by claiming to stand for an ideal, but you can tell when it devolves into hatred when it does not respect the agency of others in the process or seeks to exploit these others. True love respects others’ right to choose, and will not take advantage of his neighbor.
Given these two quadrants, it is no wonder that the conservative position tends toward strong national borders, and also a strong military.
The Pathology of Imbalanced Liberal Ideology
Whereas leaning toward an imbalanced preference for the outer-self, the far left liberal position becomes an excessive ideology of inclusion, equity of outcome, and an attempt to erase all legitimate differences between individuals as merely culturally imposed, wanting to erase the identity of the inner self in favor of conforming identity in terms of the group. It justifies itself by viewing these delineations of difference in individuals as inherent narratives of oppressors and victims, often seeing themselves as also victims and oppressed, all the while not taking care of their own individual (inner self) responsibilities in their immediate surroundings.
And if they have an “oppressive” identity association (white privilege, male, heterosexual, etc.) they disavow themselves as part of the problem even if their actions were not involved in the problem. This is quadrant #2, the boundaryless inferior position. It sacrifices individual identity in favor of group identity.
It mimics love by sacrificing for the collective, but you can tell when it has devolved into hatred when it indulges in victimhood by constantly pointing fingers, yet simultaneously never discussing the necessity of taking personal responsibility in the matter. The victim card becomes a smoke-screen for hiding from personal responsibility, finding empty meaning in being associated with a collective that does nothing but reinforce the victim narratives to feel better about themselves. True love however does not shy away from personal responsibility.
Then by merely shouting in favor of the group, assumes a moral superiority by association, particularly if they possess what is valuable to the group, and without having to do individual work. This is quadrant #3, the walled-off superior position.
As the broad brush stereotype goes – hold a sign up in the streets for justice, but doesn’t even put in the effort to get a job or clean their own house. It mimics love as it has a group that is much like a family, but you can tell when it devolves into hatred because this family’s primary mode of operation is to virtue-signal to each other with a lot of words and little substance while condescendingly looking down on all those who don’t belong in their family. It uses the ‘oppressed’ and claimed concern for the oppressed as a mask for the true motive – hatred for those they want to deem the oppressors. True love in contrast invites others to goodness through patience, long-suffering, and respect for their intrinsic value even when those same others are totally in the wrong.
When Pathologies Become Extreme, They Lose The Love And Truths They Once Stood For
Therefore on one hand you have the conservative side that is supposed to stand for moral principle, that devolves into nationalist callused self-interest of the inner self. And on the other hand the liberal side that stands for tolerance and opportunity for the dispossessed, that devolves into a way to hide from individual responsibility by fully enmeshing into group identity.
Especially worrying is when the conservative side who ought to stand for moral principle, goes so deep into self-interest that it no longer cares about morality at all, or when the liberal side who stands for tolerance goes so deep into group identity that it actually becomes the standard for intolerance for anyone who does not conform to the group.
We see the extremes eventually abandon the very principles of love they stood for in the first place, and actually start to look like each other. They both become immoral and intolerant, beacons of hatred – which is why Nazi Germany and Communist Russia while supposedly rooted in polar opposite ideology, as extremes really didn’t look all that different in the end.
Case Example #2 – Relationships, Masculine and Feminine
It was so surprising to me when I first discovered how well the masculine and the feminine mirrored this exact same pattern. While men and women can and do take all four forms and act selfishly from all four quadrants, we can see that the common biological propensities lead to more stereotypical pathologies or selfishness. Not only that, we will see that they often work with each other in collusion to perpetuate this selfishness, which is why often relationships form unhealthy patterns that seem to repeat over and over again. This is due to the fact that each partner is actually getting something selfish out of the dynamic that keeps the unhealthy dance in perpetual repetition.
The feminine symbolically aligns with beauty, creativity, and the unknown due to the female biological propensity for the development of the outer self as the primary source of identity, and when unbalanced comes at the expense of the inner self. The masculine symbolically aligns with power, structure, and the known due to the male biological propensity for the development of the inner self as the primary source of identity, and when unbalanced comes at the expense of the outer self.
Given what we have already gone over we can already posit what could be termed stereotypical toxic masculinity would be found in quadrants 1 and 4. And the stereotypical toxic femininity would fall in quadrants 2 and 3.
In some ways this already gives us a quick explanation for why toxic masculinity might be more culturally recognized and jumped on, as the boundaryless world is the more readily visible. In the boundaryless world (quadrants 2 and 4) we would expect to see commonly–masculinity in the superior position, imposing on the boundaryless feminine in the inferior position. And even though the inferior position can be just as selfish, the victim card can and almost necessarily will be played (whether there is real victimization or not).
But just as common, and less seen is the walled-off world where we would expect the feminine to exist in the walled-off superior passive-aggressive position, and the masculine in the walled-off inferior avoidant position.
Again in reality men and women are going to have selfishness manifest in all four quadrants, but exploring some of these stereotypes can be very informative as we will see there is some basis to believe there are real propensities towards particular pathologies that exist due to the biological differences between men and women.
Toxic masculinity
When the stereotypical male is fearful and feeling down, he retreats into avoidance and a walling off from seeing his spouses thoughts and feelings because it is too overwhelming and he doesn’t feel up to the task, much like our conservative ideology example that when fearful or overwhelmed wants to border out the outer others. While male humans are also biologically predisposed to better tune out white noise in the background, in a real sense the common complaint that husbands are not listening or are ignoring their wives’ feelings may very well be true at times, as they instead opt to ignore family responsibilities and plop in front of whatever sports game is on to avoid reality. It is the walled-off inferior position or quadrant 1. It is here that the stereotypical unhealthy male might retreat in to alcoholism or pornography, they are all escapes rooted in feelings of inadequacy.
Yet at the same time, this same male can turn around and impose his inner-developed views on his spouse and family, in a clear move to the boundaryless superior position or quadrant 4, at times to the level of becoming an overt tyrant imposing his will through overt aggression. It is the unbalanced inner-self coming out to do damage on the outer world, which gives us an explanation for why men are more prone to outer violence that causes physical damage.
Toxic Femininity
The stereotypical woman in her insecurities is often willing to sacrifice the inner self in favor of family identity and accept these impositions often even to an extreme degree, all the while walling off the inner self not letting her inner self be known to herself or her family.
In this way she can absorb her identity into her husband or family as a whole to mimic a sense of safety or security as a trade off for the promise that she will be taken care of and get to avoid the personal responsibility of taking ownership of individual identity and desires. She can also turn around and similarly sacrifice everything for her children in the name of “love”, but really it is a way of keeping them as eternal dependent infants so they never leave her, a way to earn their never ending adoration and dependence, and she can feel entitled to their continued and eternal loyalty for doing everything for them. This is the boundaryless inferior position or quadrant 2.
In this self-sacrificing victim position she can then turn around and feel smugly superior about her sacrifice for the group. Condescendingly look down on her ‘worthless’ husband as he watches sports and ignores the family responsibilities. And bonus she can turn around with her friends and get major validation by discussing behind his back how worthless he is and how much she sacrifices for the family. This is the walled-off superior position or quadrant 3. The unbalanced outer self, acts from the passive-aggressive stance and seeks to destroy the inside of a person. Rather than outward damage and violence characteristic of the dark side of men, the dark side of women is known for relational aggression and interpersonal damage.
Sex Stereotypes
Surrounding sex, it is not hard to see why the stereotype is that of an entitled husband trying to demand and enforce his particular desires or ‘needs’ for sex (boundaryless superior), whereas the wife feels entitled to not take ownership of her actual biological desire and instead submits grudgingly to feel like a martyr (boundaryless inferior). Which in turn the wife can then feeling entitled to withhold and use sex as a manipulation or punishment tool (walled-off superior), and the husband might then turn around and ignore or dismiss by distracting himself through personal hobbies (walled-off inferior).
(I have heard a practicing sex therapist anecdotally say that it is roughly a third of clients where the wife has enough higher desire that this natural collusion is reversed, and the wife is therefore in the stereotypical ‘male’ position and the husband in the stereotypical ‘female’ position in this dynamic).
The Dangers of Collusion
And can you see in all these cases why these patterns continue so easily? Both the inferior and superior walled-off positions work together, and both get their selfish desire. In the walled-off world one person (inferior position) gets to live in avoidance of the issue pretending it doesn’t exist, while the other (superior position) looks on condescendingly and feels justified punishing their spouse passive-aggressively.
And then in the boundaryless world we see the exact same thing, both get a payout—one person imposing their will on the other in overt aggression (superior), and the other enmeshing their identity to the tyrant to earn easy approval or avoid taking personal responsibility and ownership of their desires in developing their own identity (inferior).
It’s a naturally economic equilibrium of the selfish payouts, which is why relationships get stuck in reoccurring patterns – your selfish motives align. The only way to break these collusions is if one partner decides they no longer want the selfish payout, and chooses to turn to the harder labor of love. If this happens the other partner will get uncomfortable because the equilibrium will be upset and they can no longer use their partner’s preferred mode of selfishness to mask and hide their own selfishness in that collusion. They suddenly get exposed, simply because one partner chose to break the pattern by choosing love.
If your relationship has a reoccurring pattern of selfishness, it is almost inevitably due to such a collusion. It doesn’t have to mean the faults are equal, but it does mean that both partners are getting a payout, otherwise the pattern wouldn’t persist and somebody would be doing something about it to cause real change. It may be something really worth considering if you really desire the further development of true love in your own relationship. Nothing will be more damaging in the long run than a collusion of counterfeit love that neither partner has the courage to call out and forego the selfish payout. True love will always be the harder path in the short term, but the easiest in the long run.
What Is Love? – Series Conclusion
And there is the pattern. This will apply to all principles of truth or love. Sin and hatred come as a result of the fractionation of truth, such that in a narrowed perspective an act is seen as imminently desirable, but in context of the whole will always be destructive. It is selfishness and it is hatred, and so often it is masked as love, it is counterfeit love.
So how then can we try the spirits, and know the Spirit of God from the devil as an angel of light? How can we know if the principle of supposed truth really is born of true love or if it is a counterfeit? Fractionation will inherently cause a blindness to the true infinite and eternal value of man and woman and will cause feelings of superiority or inferiority. It will cause people to ignore the hard facts in front of them in favor of a simpler and more convenient truth. It will cause people to lean towards an imbalanced preference toward the inner or outer self, which will then try to mimic the love of self or the love of others.
Someone might claim a virtue in the name of self-love, but if you see that thing clearly ignoring the cost to those around them, it is selfishness and hate, not true love. Someone might claim a virtue in the name of loving others, but if you see the person undermining themselves in the process or hiding true facts in favor of the easier anxiety reduction of collective group think, you may know that it is a lie, and it is born of selfishness and hatred. For it is an eternal and irrevocable principle that the real love of self or others will inherently and simultaneously manifest itself as love of both because the light in one cannot be loved without loving the light in the other.
Here is the warning – many are coming and making claims of good and righteousness based on the claim that the principles espoused are principles of love. But are they love? I hope this series will empower us to better discern and answer that question for ourselves, as our happiness and long-term spiritual health may depend on it.
My hope is that we can seek not a false superficial unity, or immediate anxiety reduction, but deal with the hard questions in an honest pursuit of truth. That we can act in good judgement and distinguish true love from the counterfeits offered by the world.
For in this journey of discerning truth from error, the love of God from deception, and in this labor of love we will be able to see one another eye to eye and come in full unity of faith, truth, and love that we may live among each other in the harmony, balance, knowledge, and care that is our inheritance as children of the divine. Let us reunite as an eternal family; for all have a place who would seek truth and love with an honest heart. That is my testimony and witness, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.