Love, have joy

Growing up one of the things I liked least in this world was the cold.  So much so that the only thing I asked God for before serving a mission was to not be sent somewhere cold.  I was sent to West Africa along the equator, so that worked out for me which I was really grateful for.

Living in Chicago, most people seem to agree the long and cold winters are by far the biggest downside.  The city is wonderful outside of this, but this was a big deal for me – I really hated the cold.  I decided that if I was going to live here that I wanted to turn this around and somehow find a way to use the cold to my advantage. 

Cold Training and Long Water Fasting

In my search I came across a crazy Dutch guy named Wim Hof, “The Iceman”, and got inspired. So, for the past 3 winters in Chicago I have been training my body to adapt to some of the deepest colds I’ve ever experienced by never wearing any winter clothing when I go out, going through periods of taking only cold showers, and occasionally practicing breathing techniques.  If you want to check what Wim Hof is all about, this is a good introduction here and here.  My co-workers enjoy questioning me through the cold winters since from an outside perspective it looks a bit crazy walking in from a blizzard without a coat, hat, or gloves (and sometimes it does feel a bit crazy).

In a similar vein, two years ago I felt an intuitive push to go through periods of long water fasting – which means going extended periods without eating food and only drinking water.  I researched it very heavily before trying it, but since that time have done many fasts for periods as little as 3 days to as high as 14 days.  It’s roughly between day 3-5 that the body transitions into starvation, and the experience of it is not at all what I imagined. 

In both cases, cold training and long-water fasting, I didn’t quite understand why I felt the drive to do something that seemed so extreme on the one hand, but I felt intimations that it was something I should do, something that I would learn from, something that would help me.  What was driving me to do this?

Climbing a Mountain

A couple weeks ago I was climbing a mountain which was unexpectedly hit by a snowstorm previous to arriving, and also on the return portion of our climb we were hit by some more unexpected snow.  My friend was starting to freeze on the way up and so eventually took the 2 jackets we had brought. I was able to climb the steep mountain in running shoes, soccer sweats, and a short-sleeve t-shirt while being knee deep in snow and grabbing the snow with my bare hands and arms in order to both climb and eventually descend.

What was amazing about it, is that I felt perfectly comfortable doing it. My training these past few years was paying off, my body had adapted to what before I didn’t think was possible.  This experience gave me a moment to reflect. I’ve frozen myself and starved myself.  What have I learned?  Has there been something more to it than madness? 

The truth is I have learned many important lessons and reaped many health benefits, and sometime I might want to delve into those in more detail, but I have concluded the most significant lesson has been this – that within opposition there is life, and furthermore that outside of this there is no life to be found.

Inexorability of Suffering

What do I mean?  It’s a difficult but interesting problem – that life is largely about overcoming suffering, and yet almost contradictory without suffering there could be no life.  For it is in the suffering and in the opposite that the truth can manifest itself, and the truth cannot be manifested save in the foreground of that which is not truth.

This is why Jesus said, “The poor shall always be with you.”  And not the poor only, but limitation, suffering, and evil will always be with us.  And perhaps surprisingly – that is a good thing.  Life is therefore not about the eradication of suffering, but instead the transcendence of suffering, the ability to live among the times and seasons of evil and to choose to manifest truth and love among it. 

It means that happiness in the pleasure and fleeting sense, cannot be the objective – for there is no life in it alone.  Rather true happiness embodies all true emotions – a time for sadness, a time for pain, for anger, for heartache.  One of the great secrets of true joy is not to imagine that “positive” emotion is your purpose in life.  Life is built of the full and wide range of all true emotions – and when there is true sadness – not merely indulgent sadness – the appropriate response is to embrace and live among the pain.  For it is this kind of pain that allows for life, love, and truth to exist at all.  Our seasons of sorrows make way for the summers of light and joy, and even in the winters of life there is something of beauty to be found. 

Sitting with and embracing the cold and hunger, I found life, and if you sit with the cold and broken parts of your life and embrace them rather than run from and count them as a curse, you too will see life, you will see your ability to adapt, and not only adapt but ultimately transcend the cold, not by eradicating it but truly sitting with and embracing it – pain and all.

Darkness and the Morning Light

Do not let a society or person make you feel bad about your sadness when it is the proper time and season for it, for sadness is a reminder of our eternal value, and that seasons await us greater than the pain we now endure.  Do not let a society or person make you feel bad about your anger if you are not misusing it to hide from the truth, for when properly felt it is a reminder of the eternal justice we deserve as beings of light and love, and provides motivation to keep moving forward – for we shall have eternal justice. 

No, the truth is life is full of depravity, malevolence, and travesty.  I will never ask you to pretend those away.  Instead I will sit with you, and be with you in your pain, in your sorrows, fears, and sadness, and perhaps you would be willing to be with me in mine. Because the truth is it’s okay to be sad, tired, cold, angry, starving, lonely, and longing, because these are essential elements of the complete truth that is life.  By rejecting these experiences, we reject life itself, for one side of a coin cannot exist without the other. Whereas embracing it, you will discover how resilient you truly are, and how you can live in the darkness – and even strangely feel comfortable while doing it. And then how much sweeter the morning light will be, while those who have slept through the darkness will never be able to appreciate the beauty of the sunrise as you do.

Being in the darkness does not mean there is something wrong with you, and in fact might even mean there is something right with you.  So breathe, accept and face the pain head on in honesty, let it wash through you and live that part of life too, and watch as you process it like the cleansing of a river and you will be able to feel what you really are.

Source of Vitality

I used to think that escaping hardship was the way to find happiness, but I have learned that it is only the way to decimate life itself.  How many people with our modern comforts have been able to run away from life, hide from the suffering around them, and box themselves in at 72 degrees without the need to interact or open up to anyone around them less in the vulnerability of life they might be exposed and/or hurt?  By doing so, they have cut themselves off from the life-source, they wither as a dried reed and the result is purposelessness, boredom, and eventually nihilism and misery.  Where you cannot embrace the opposites that make the highs of life available, you will find that you have no life at all, no breath, no color, no anything. 

And so it is that we must go and be among the opposition of the world, take the journey of manifesting truth and love in the face of opposition that we might overcome it – not through permanent eradication but through transcendence and allowing good to overcome the evil, for new evil will continue to rise in the eternal dance that allows us to manifest our very natures of love and therefore to have joy in the music and dance of life.

Life may therefore be defined as the infinite manifestation and display of what we are, in contrast to what we are not. True life, vitality, consists in the ability to be with both, and I have learned for myself that we are capable of just that.

It is no accident up to this point in the series that I have so heavily focused on the inner and outer aspects of self, just as it is no accident that love and joy are the fundamental principles I chose to focus this blog on.  The reality is that this dichotomy is so fundamental to reality, so fundamental to Truth, that our very brains have adapted to it, which is why we have a left brain and right brain. It is also an explanation for why two sexes – male and female – exist.

All truth can be seen as a pairing of this fundamental dichotomy, and there are many ways to express the reality of this dichotomy that allow us to analyze it from different angles.  Here is a list of some of those ways that literally and/or symbolically map onto one another:

• Outer self, Inner self
• Right brain, Left brain
• Chaos, Order
• Unknown, Known
• Creativity, Structure
• Love (the internal thing), Joy
• Beauty, Power
• Feminine, Masculine
• Female, Male
• Yin, Yang
• Liberal, Conservative

Knowing this, we can now analyze really any aspect of truth by considering how it maps onto this dichotomy, and then considering how leaning to one side or the other in an imbalanced way inevitably leads to hatred in one of the four quadrants of hate we discussed last post. In this post we are going to discuss two very common realities that most of us are familiar with, to see how we can more simply detect imbalance, fracture, and therefore hatred, even when it pretends to be love. 

The first thing we will discuss is politics through the lens of Conservative and Liberal ideology (I generally have avoided politics because it is a breeding ground for hate, but it makes a great case study).  And then we will jump into long-term relationship dynamics between Male and Female through the lens of the Masculine and Feminine, in which we will be able to detect the counterfeits of these godly energies when they devolve into toxic masculinity and femininity respectively.

Case Example #1 – Politics, Conservative and Liberal

The conservative position as its name implies tends to lean toward the known, or what is already inside as the tried and true, which is comparable to the truths of the inner-self. When it goes wrong it acts comparably to an imbalanced preference for the inner self.  Whereas the liberal position as the name implies seeks beyond what is known toward change and in theory a hope for something better, which is comparable to the truths of the outer-self. When it goes wrong it acts comparably to an imbalanced preference for the outer self.

The Pathology of Imbalanced Conservative Ideology

As it leans toward an imbalanced preference for the inner-self the far right conservative position desires to border out “others” excessively, rooted from a place of fear. Because the problem can feel overwhelming and make the inner-self feel small, it will seek to avoid the issue by blocking it out or pretending others’ problems in the world don’t exist, or even calling the problems justified to not have to deal with it. This is quadrant 1, or the walled-off inferior position.  It mimics love in the name of protecting the inner-selves or the members of that nation, but you can detect the hatred as it coldly disregards and vilifies the outer others.  True love does not love the self while hiding from and hating the outside others.

And at the same time, the same far conservative position that wants to push others out also wants to push their developed self and agenda on these same others.  This is quadrant 4, the boundaryless superior position. Like the mob-boss it claims love or virtue by claiming to stand for an ideal, but you can tell when it devolves into hatred when it does not respect the agency of others in the process or seeks to exploit these others.  True love respects others’ right to choose, and will not take advantage of his neighbor.

Given these two quadrants, it is no wonder that the conservative position tends toward strong national borders, and also a strong military.

The Pathology of Imbalanced Liberal Ideology

Whereas leaning toward an imbalanced preference for the outer-self, the far left liberal position becomes an excessive ideology of inclusion, equity of outcome, and an attempt to erase all legitimate differences between individuals as merely culturally imposed, wanting to erase the identity of the inner self in favor of conforming identity in terms of the group. It justifies itself by viewing these delineations of difference in individuals as inherent narratives of oppressors and victims, often seeing themselves as also victims and oppressed, all the while not taking care of their own individual (inner self) responsibilities in their immediate surroundings.

And if they have an “oppressive” identity association (white privilege, male, heterosexual, etc.) they disavow themselves as part of the problem even if their actions were not involved in the problem. This is quadrant #2, the boundaryless inferior position.  It sacrifices individual identity in favor of group identity.

It mimics love by sacrificing for the collective, but you can tell when it has devolved into hatred when it indulges in victimhood by constantly pointing fingers, yet simultaneously never discussing the necessity of taking personal responsibility in the matter.  The victim card becomes a smoke-screen for hiding from personal responsibility, finding empty meaning in being associated with a collective that does nothing but reinforce the victim narratives to feel better about themselves.  True love however does not shy away from personal responsibility.

Then by merely shouting in favor of the group, assumes a moral superiority by association, particularly if they possess what is valuable to the group, and without having to do individual work. This is quadrant #3, the walled-off superior position. 

As the broad brush stereotype goes – hold a sign up in the streets for justice, but doesn’t even put in the effort to get a job or clean their own house. It mimics love as it has a group that is much like a family, but you can tell when it devolves into hatred because this family’s primary mode of operation is to virtue-signal to each other with a lot of words and little substance while condescendingly looking down on all those who don’t belong in their family. It uses the ‘oppressed’ and claimed concern for the oppressed as a mask for the true motive – hatred for those they want to deem the oppressors. True love in contrast invites others to goodness through patience, long-suffering, and respect for their intrinsic value even when those same others are totally in the wrong.

When Pathologies Become Extreme, They Lose The Love And Truths They Once Stood For

Therefore on one hand you have the conservative side that is supposed to stand for moral principle, that devolves into nationalist callused self-interest of the inner self.  And on the other hand the liberal side that stands for tolerance and opportunity for the dispossessed, that devolves into a way to hide from individual responsibility by fully enmeshing into group identity. 

Especially worrying is when the conservative side who ought to stand for moral principle, goes so deep into self-interest that it no longer cares about morality at all, or when the liberal side who stands for tolerance goes so deep into group identity that it actually becomes the standard for intolerance for anyone who does not conform to the group. 

We see the extremes eventually abandon the very principles of love they stood for in the first place, and actually start to look like each other. They both become immoral and intolerant, beacons of hatred – which is why Nazi Germany and Communist Russia while supposedly rooted in polar opposite ideology, as extremes really didn’t look all that different in the end.

Case Example #2 – Relationships, Masculine and Feminine

It was so surprising to me when I first discovered how well the masculine and the feminine mirrored this exact same pattern.  While men and women can and do take all four forms and act selfishly from all four quadrants, we can see that the common biological propensities lead to more stereotypical pathologies or selfishness. Not only that, we will see that they often work with each other in collusion to perpetuate this selfishness, which is why often relationships form unhealthy patterns that seem to repeat over and over again.  This is due to the fact that each partner is actually getting something selfish out of the dynamic that keeps the unhealthy dance in perpetual repetition.

The feminine symbolically aligns with beauty, creativity, and the unknown due to the female biological propensity for the development of the outer self as the primary source of identity, and when unbalanced comes at the expense of the inner self.  The masculine symbolically aligns with power, structure, and the known due to the male biological propensity for the development of the inner self as the primary source of identity, and when unbalanced comes at the expense of the outer self.

Given what we have already gone over we can already posit what could be termed stereotypical toxic masculinity would be found in quadrants 1 and 4.  And the stereotypical toxic femininity would fall in quadrants 2 and 3.

In some ways this already gives us a quick explanation for why toxic masculinity might be more culturally recognized and jumped on, as the boundaryless world is the more readily visible.  In the boundaryless world (quadrants 2 and 4) we would expect to see commonly–masculinity in the superior position, imposing on the boundaryless feminine in the inferior position.  And even though the inferior position can be just as selfish, the victim card can and almost necessarily will be played (whether there is real victimization or not). 

But just as common, and less seen is the walled-off world where we would expect the feminine to exist in the walled-off superior passive-aggressive position, and the masculine in the walled-off inferior avoidant position.

Again in reality men and women are going to have selfishness manifest in all four quadrants, but exploring some of these stereotypes can be very informative as we will see there is some basis to believe there are real propensities towards particular pathologies that exist due to the biological differences between men and women.

Toxic masculinity

When the stereotypical male is fearful and feeling down, he retreats into avoidance and a walling off from seeing his spouses thoughts and feelings because it is too overwhelming and he doesn’t feel up to the task, much like our conservative ideology example that when fearful or overwhelmed wants to border out the outer others. While male humans are also biologically predisposed to better tune out white noise in the background, in a real sense the common complaint that husbands are not listening or are ignoring their wives’ feelings may very well be true at times, as they instead opt to ignore family responsibilities and plop in front of whatever sports game is on to avoid reality.  It is the walled-off inferior position or quadrant 1.  It is here that the stereotypical unhealthy male might retreat in to alcoholism or pornography, they are all escapes rooted in feelings of inadequacy.

Yet at the same time, this same male can turn around and impose his inner-developed views on his spouse and family, in a clear move to the boundaryless superior position or quadrant 4, at times to the level of becoming an overt tyrant imposing his will through overt aggression.  It is the unbalanced inner-self coming out to do damage on the outer world, which gives us an explanation for why men are more prone to outer violence that causes physical damage.

Toxic Femininity

The stereotypical woman in her insecurities is often willing to sacrifice the inner self in favor of family identity and accept these impositions often even to an extreme degree, all the while walling off the inner self not letting her inner self be known to herself or her family. 

In this way she can absorb her identity into her husband or family as a whole to mimic a sense of safety or security as a trade off for the promise that she will be taken care of and get to avoid the personal responsibility of taking ownership of individual identity and desires.  She can also turn around and similarly sacrifice everything for her children in the name of “love”, but really it is a way of keeping them as eternal dependent infants so they never leave her, a way to earn their never ending adoration and dependence, and she can feel entitled to their continued and eternal loyalty for doing everything for them.  This is the boundaryless inferior position or quadrant 2.

In this self-sacrificing victim position she can then turn around and feel smugly superior about her sacrifice for the group.  Condescendingly look down on her ‘worthless’ husband as he watches sports and ignores the family responsibilities.  And bonus she can turn around with her friends and get major validation by discussing behind his back how worthless he is and how much she sacrifices for the family.  This is the walled-off superior position or quadrant 3.  The unbalanced outer self, acts from the passive-aggressive stance and seeks to destroy the inside of a person.  Rather than outward damage and violence characteristic of the dark side of men, the dark side of women is known for relational aggression and interpersonal damage.

Sex Stereotypes

Surrounding sex, it is not hard to see why the stereotype is that of an entitled husband trying to demand and enforce his particular desires or ‘needs’ for sex (boundaryless superior), whereas the wife feels entitled to not take ownership of her actual biological desire and instead submits grudgingly to feel like a martyr (boundaryless inferior). Which in turn the wife can then feeling entitled to withhold and use sex as a manipulation or punishment tool (walled-off superior), and the husband might then turn around and ignore or dismiss by distracting himself through personal hobbies (walled-off inferior).

(I have heard a practicing sex therapist anecdotally say that it is roughly a third of clients where the wife has enough higher desire that this natural collusion is reversed, and the wife is therefore in the stereotypical ‘male’ position and the husband in the stereotypical ‘female’ position in this dynamic).

The Dangers of Collusion

And can you see in all these cases why these patterns continue so easily?  Both the inferior and superior walled-off positions work together, and both get their selfish desire. In the walled-off world one person (inferior position) gets to live in avoidance of the issue pretending it doesn’t exist, while the other (superior position) looks on condescendingly and feels justified punishing their spouse passive-aggressively. 

And then in the boundaryless world we see the exact same thing, both get a payout—one person imposing their will on the other in overt aggression (superior), and the other enmeshing their identity to the tyrant to earn easy approval or avoid taking personal responsibility and ownership of their desires in developing their own identity (inferior). 

It’s a naturally economic equilibrium of the selfish payouts, which is why relationships get stuck in reoccurring patterns – your selfish motives align.  The only way to break these collusions is if one partner decides they no longer want the selfish payout, and chooses to turn to the harder labor of love.  If this happens the other partner will get uncomfortable because the equilibrium will be upset and they can no longer use their partner’s preferred mode of selfishness to mask and hide their own selfishness in that collusion. They suddenly get exposed, simply because one partner chose to break the pattern by choosing love. 

If your relationship has a reoccurring pattern of selfishness, it is almost inevitably due to such a collusion.  It doesn’t have to mean the faults are equal, but it does mean that both partners are getting a payout, otherwise the pattern wouldn’t persist and somebody would be doing something about it to cause real change.  It may be something really worth considering if you really desire the further development of true love in your own relationship.  Nothing will be more damaging in the long run than a collusion of counterfeit love that neither partner has the courage to call out and forego the selfish payout.  True love will always be the harder path in the short term, but the easiest in the long run.

What Is Love? – Series Conclusion

And there is the pattern. This will apply to all principles of truth or love.  Sin and hatred come as a result of the fractionation of truth, such that in a narrowed perspective an act is seen as imminently desirable, but in context of the whole will always be destructive.  It is selfishness and it is hatred, and so often it is masked as love, it is counterfeit love.

So how then can we try the spirits, and know the Spirit of God from the devil as an angel of light? How can we know if the principle of supposed truth really is born of true love or if it is a counterfeit?  Fractionation will inherently cause a blindness to the true infinite and eternal value of man and woman and will cause feelings of superiority or inferiority.  It will cause people to ignore the hard facts in front of them in favor of a simpler and more convenient truth.  It will cause people to lean towards an imbalanced preference toward the inner or outer self, which will then try to mimic the love of self or the love of others. 

Someone might claim a virtue in the name of self-love, but if you see that thing clearly ignoring the cost to those around them, it is selfishness and hate, not true love.  Someone might claim a virtue in the name of loving others, but if you see the person undermining themselves in the process or hiding true facts in favor of the easier anxiety reduction of collective group think, you may know that it is a lie, and it is born of selfishness and hatred.  For it is an eternal and irrevocable principle that the real love of self or others will inherently and simultaneously manifest itself as love of both because the light in one cannot be loved without loving the light in the other.

Here is the warning – many are coming and making claims of good and righteousness based on the claim that the principles espoused are principles of love.  But are they love?  I hope this series will empower us to better discern and answer that question for ourselves, as our happiness and long-term spiritual health may depend on it.

My hope is that we can seek not a false superficial unity, or immediate anxiety reduction, but deal with the hard questions in an honest pursuit of truth. That we can act in good judgement and distinguish true love from the counterfeits offered by the world. 

For in this journey of discerning truth from error, the love of God from deception, and in this labor of love we will be able to see one another eye to eye and come in full unity of faith, truth, and love that we may live among each other in the harmony, balance, knowledge, and care that is our inheritance as children of the divine.  Let us reunite as an eternal family; for all have a place who would seek truth and love with an honest heart. That is my testimony and witness, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

In Part 1 of this series we discussed that a key to recognizing true love from counterfeit love is that true love will manifest itself as both love of self and others simultaneously.  Sin when masked as virtue will often do a good job at mimicking love of self or the love of others, but will find it hard to do both. 

In Part 2 we discussed why that is. It is due to the nature of sin being rooted in a fracturing of truth which is a fracture of the self.  At the highest level this can be seen as a fracture of the inner and outer selves.  This fracture is what allows a person to see a portion of truth in an imbalanced way, and indulge in it at the expense of everything else (the definition for selfishness or hate).  But this blindness goes both ways and while allowing it to indulge in one aspect of truth, it is simultaneously only capable of mimicking the portion of truth it remains aware of, oblivious to the side it has shut itself off from – hence its tendency to be able to mimic love of self or love of others, but not both.

At the same time this fracture and blindness has other important and inherent characteristics that we can detect.  In this post we will discuss what those characteristics are, enabling us to categorize and recognize all sin at a higher resolution.  So not only will you be able to say it doesn’t appear like an action is loving to both self and others simultaneously, but you will have the tools to pinpoint exactly how it is happening.  And then armed with the ability to recognize and pinpoint all sin we will then be ready to consider some familiar and practical examples to detect counterfeit love in our own lives and the lives of other people around us. 

The ultimate aim being that by recognizing counterfeit love, we can see the evil in us for what it really is.  By seeing the evil we then have the ability to course correct and properly analyze and navigate the tumultuous, loud, and contentious voices we are constantly bombarded with and instead invite integration, spiritual maturation, and true love in its place.  It is this very process that will fill our lives with more meaning, harmony, and happiness.

The 2 Resultant Poles of Fractionation that Identify Sin: Inferiority vs Superiority, Walled-off vs Boundaryless

As touched upon in the last post in discussion of the above image, a fracture of truth in the self at the highest level can be seen as a split of inner and outer selves. This can be visualized in the above image by thinking of each individual as represented by a house, yard, and fence in a neighborhood of other individuals / homes.  Inside the house represents the inner self, the yard represents the transition from the inner to outer self, and the fence is the appropriate boundaries we have with the outside world, that lets people in and keeps people out when appropriate. 

When we are fractured, part of this fence becomes a stone or brick wall, and on that principle of truth the individual is split into inner and outer selves.  Instead of acting as one cohesive individual, the two will act as if they have their own personalities, desire, and will without regards to the other.

Inferiority vs Superiority

And then being split from the other side of truth (the individual whether looking through the eyes of the inner or outer self, because both can’t happen simultaneously anymore) arguably the greatest problem is that an individual is no longer capable of seeing the full eternal and infinite value of themselves or others.

This inevitably leads to seeing people in a hierarchy of value according to the particular blind spots of the fracture, and placing one’s self somewhere in that hierarchy.  Therefore the first specific scale we see inherent to a person acting from a place improperly indulging in fracture or sin, is that the action will come from a place of either inferiority or superiority.

Walled-off vs Boundaryless

Due to the fence being broken, dysfunctional, and now with a stone wall that has split the inner and outer selves, a person’s boundaries are also inherently broken on that principle when they indulge in the fracture.  And this leads to the second major scale inherent in sin, depending on which side of the wall they are acting from their boundaries will either be overly walled-off inappropriately shutting out yourself or other people from each other, or boundaryless allowing somebody’s boundaries to be inappropriately and freely crossed by another.

These poles allow us to create what I call the quadrant model of sin, hatred, and selfishness.  I have adapted this quadrant model from a fairly popular psychologist and therapist in the LDS Community who happens to live in my ward here in Chicago, who put it together from a collection of ideas from other current psychologists. I have thought through it a lot, and have tweaked the model as well as built upon the overarching explanation to reflect what I have learned since, including seeing this through the Jungian lens of the undeveloped and fractured or disintegrated self as a causal explanation.

The Quadrant Model of Sin, Hatred, and Selfishness

Due to the inevitable poles caused by the fracture of self, all sin and selfishness, whether overt hatred or more commonly counterfeit love (hatred masked as love), can therefore be categorized in four main groups:

• Walled-off inferiority
• Boundaryless inferiority
• Walled-off superiority
• Boundaryless superiority

Hatred in each of these quadrants exists in degrees.  The lower levels of hatred we might call weaknesses or immaturity, the kind that every human being on earth is guilty of from time to time as we progress.  The deeper the levels of hatred go the more readily we are able to recognize and characterize it as evil. 

The degrees of hatred are represented by rings, like rings in a pond.  Each ring goes through all 4 quadrants and has more in common with each other than the next ring further away or closer to the center.  The further out from the center you go represents the further away from integration an individual is and the more deep-seated the hatred becomes.

As people sin in all 4 categories they are likely to be moving around all 4 quadrants from a place in a similar rung.  But whether acting out of superficial levels or deeper levels of hatred, the source is the same – fracture and blindness that leads to selfishness and justification at the expense of the greater whole. 

The integrated self in contrast acts in love and consideration of the whole in harmony, balance, and unity with all other aspects of truth.  Love therefore sits at the center and represents proper integration.  The more integrated you become, the more you have spiritually matured, and the more likely your actions will be coming from the pure center that is integrated love.

Mapping the Fractured Inner and Outer Selves onto the Quadrant of Hate

Now we’ve got our models let’s take a look at how an imbalanced preference for the inner or outer self might map onto our quadrant of selfishness.

Unbalanced Preference for the Inner Self

If someone has an imbalanced preference for the development of the inner self at the expense of the outer self, how will this begin manifesting itself in relation to the world?

1. The inner self without the development of the outer self, fears the unknown of the outer others and therefore in times of inferiority will hide or wall itself off from others and getting to know them.  We can visually imagine this as the fractured inner personality that wants to always sit inside the house.
2. As the inner self develops, it will inevitably get lonely and want to be known. The less developed outer self will focus on the less developed inner self of others and instead of appropriate interacting with the outside of others, will inappropriately try to burst through other peoples fences in order to push the inner developed self onto the ‘weaker’ others.

This is the very definition of walled-off inferiority and boundaryless superiority respectively.  Or in other words acting from the fractured and unbalanced preference for the inner self corresponds to diagonal quadrants 1 and 4 represented by the color blue.

Unbalanced Preference for the Outer Self

Now what of the person who has an unbalanced preference for the development of the outer self at the expense of the inner self? How will this manifest in relationship to the world?

1. It fears itself or its lack of inner strength and therefore in times of inferiority will preference the group or the relationship to the group over the inner self, and therefore seeks to understand the group and take care of its needs by first molding into its image to find value and identity, which can also manifest as allowing the group or person in the relationship to freely enter and impose the group values on their inner self by allowing unbounded access to their yard.
2. By assuming group identity and showing preference to it, it walls off the true inner self from group knowledge and can assume the moral superiority of the martyr (sacrificing self for the team, or special group/tribe). And if they hold what is valuable to that group, they will feel a sense of superiority to those who do not possess that thing – but not having an inner strength to display that superiority overtly – acting from the weaker inner self stands from inside the wall focusing the attention outside the wall condescendingly looking down on the outer others who are ‘less’ – thus feeling and expressing that superiority in the passive-aggressive world.

This describes boundaryless inferiority and walled-off superiority respectively.  Or in other words acting from the fractured and unbalanced preference for the outer self corresponds to diagonal quadrants 2 and 3 represented by the color pink.

The Loser, The Codependent, The Mean Girl, and The Mob Boss

Now that we understand how a fracture causes a split in the inner and outer self, and how this split leads to indulgence or sin in the 4 categories outlined in our Quadrant Model of Hate, we are prepared to take a deeper look at what each category of sin entails and also to consider how we can recognize each category of sin when it attempts to mask itself as love.

1) Walled-off Inferiority – The Loser

This form of sin or hatred is characterized by avoidance or denial. It avoids or pretends a problem does not exist, and may uses hobbies (video games) or life (job) in an unbalanced way as a distraction.  This is also most often where the misuse of physical lusts and addictions reside – as a means of indulgence to hide from emptiness, pain, or anxiety.

This category of hate can mimic love by extolling the virtues of individualism.  A claim might be made that “I am living my truth” or that they are being authentic to their true self. Or it could take the form of I’m not ‘hurting’ anybody else – you have your life and I’ll have my life, no problem no worry. 

But you can most easily detect this form of hatred because it ignores and sacrifices responsibilities to other people around them.  It seeks to avoid people in favor of personal indulgence.  “Am I my brother’s keeper?”, might be the question asked. 

True love always answers in the affirmative, and while developing the individual self is important, will not shy away from confronting the difficult friction that naturally arises in relationships with others.  It won’t pretend that friction doesn’t exist to avoid the awkwardness of confrontation , because it wants the air to be cleared.  True love of self through individual growth will always care about nurturing the growth of relationships with others as well, and will not hide from that responsibility or do it resentfully, but will actively seek it out.

2) Boundaryless inferiority – The Codependent

This form of sin or hatred takes the form of an excessive need for the approval of others and leads to inappropriately accepting the impositions of others, or inappropriately taking on the responsibilities of others in order to feel a sense of identity or approval.

This type of hatred can mimic love in the form of the virtuous martyr, ‘caring’ so much for other people that you sacrifice your own needs for theirs. That’s good right?  Not in its counterfeit form. 

You can detect this form of hatred because while it might appear like a noble sacrifice on the outside, it doesn’t truly respect the self.  It is seeking to earn something while undermining itself. 

True love does not entail allowing people to take advantage of you, and in fact reveals that you do not love yourself (or them).  And while it may be tempting to think you are loving others, true love does not prop up the evil in others that seeks to take advantage of others.  Actively participating in and endorsing a tyrant’s behavior reinforces and perpetuates evil and is not good for the tyrant either.

True love will stand up for personal value, and will set appropriate boundaries, and the strength of love will be evident in being willing to call out the evil in others rather than brush off the fact they are taking advantage of you.  True sacrifice for others takes the needs and desires of the self into the equation, and owns the final desire after taking in consideration everyone equally.  True loving sacrifice will ennoble the individual rather than undermine them.

3) Walled-off superiority – The Mean Girl

This form of sin or hatred lives in the world of passive-aggressive superiority.  It is often very controlling, but does so through covert manipulation.  It is often status seeking and materialistic.

This type of hatred can mimic love in the form of group relationships.  It can mimic the feeling of community, or even something akin to true family with the ulterior motives of the group not being so immediately evident. 

You can most easily detect this form of hatred by looking at group members on an individual level.  You will see that it is very difficult to know the true self of the people who are involved in this type of behavior, it’s hard to establish a genuine connection.  It hides from personal development, from personal morality, and if you press it you might get the distinct impression that there is not much depth behind the surface veneer.  You will know it, because it will be hard to get behind that veneer when you try to connect on a genuine level. 

True love, true community, and true family specifically use the group as a vehicle and means of opening and bonding the inner selves of each group member one to another.  This counterfeit instead tries to close this avenue off and places value on outward markers creating an inherent relational hierarchy.  And when an individual veers from the group goals, does the group respond by reaching out in compassion and concern? Or is there a distinct feeling of being looked down upon for doing so? An air of arrogance from those leading the group? (Perhaps even as intentional relational punishment to keep you in line.) Relational aggression is not true love, relational compassion is.

4) Boundaryless superiority – The Mob Boss

This form of sin or hatred takes the form of power seeking.  It seeks to impose its will on others through overt aggression, intimidation, force, or dominance.  You cross others’ boundaries at their expense to get what you want (or believe you deserve).

This type of hatred can mimic love in the form of standing for an ideal.  It will often make an appeal to just that, what is true, good, or right.  It can be very compelling to see standing for an ideal as heroic or loving. 

But in its counterfeit form you can detect this kind of hatred because it puts principles before people.  What is ‘right’ will be used as a rod to pressure or force someone into submission.  It is cold and uncaring, facts don’t care about feelings.  And while that is a true statement, a person filled with true love will actually care about your feelings facts or not, which is precisely why they would be presenting the truth to you, as an extension of the arm of mercy, not as a means to dominate or win an argument. 

True love will respect individual agency above all else.  True love allows a person the right to choose evil just as much as the right to choose good, and rather than compelling choice, allows choice, and then instead exercises personal agency by responding appropriately to the chosen good or evil.  True love will force no man to heaven.

Karate Kid

Ok, phew, that kind of felt like a marathon getting here.  Have you made it this far?  If so, I am genuinely impressed.  I know how much people can really dislike theory without any seeming practical application in sight.  Please bear with me, I am doing the best I know how to arm you with what I believe can be one of the most valuable practical tools to combat confusion, sin, and discord in your life.  It has truly opened my eyes.

You may be feeling like Daniel in the Karate Kid wondering what putting the wax on and wiping the wax off of a car has anything to do with anything you care about at all.  But as tough or frustrating as it might be at first to consider the theory, if you put in the effort to mentally understand these diagrams and paradigm, I believe you will be greatly rewarded and find yourself suddenly more capable of discerning the world in terms of good and evil as we delve into the practical examples in Part 4, and I think this information can change your life as it has mine.

Here are some questions you might consider to hone your skills in preparation for the practical examples we will get to in the next post. As a warm-up, consider someone that you are close to and around often, enough so that you are familiar with their weaknesses and can get annoyed by them.

• What are the two biggest things they do that bother, hurt, or have hurt you the most?
• Which quadrant in the quadrant of sin, hatred, and selfishness do each of those actions fall?
• In what ways have you noticed they excuse these weaknesses or hurtful behaviors away? Or what are the stories they sell themselves to feel justified about their actions?

This is a warm-up because the harsh reality is that it is much easier for us to recognize sin or hateful behavior in others. However, after you’ve thought that through a little I believe you will find the most value in considering the following:

• What are two of your own current behaviors that you know that you are in the wrong for doing? (Ask someone close to you if you’re having a hard time, I’m sure they can come up with something quickly :).
• Which quadrants do each those actions fall in?  (i.e. Are you acting from a place of inferiority or superiority in each action?  And in relation to the outer world are the actions coming from a place that are walled-off or boundaryless?)
• What is the most common story for each action that you sell yourself to justify your behavior? 
• What might be the greater reality or the aspect of truth that your story doesn’t take into account? Or the part of the truth fractured off from the whole that you are intentionally or unintentionally obscuring that allows your justification to persist?

Next time we will see how all of this knowledge illuminates our everyday-world and can make all the difference. Until next time 🙂

In the last post, Part 1 of this series, we laid the foundation for recognizing true love in contrast to counterfeit love.  True love will manifest itself as love of self and love of others simultaneously due to the nature of the light being the same in both.  Counterfeit love is good at mimicking love of self or love of others, but typically finds it difficult to mimic both.  In this post we are going to explore why that is to really help us discern which actions are born of the pure love of Christ and which only pretend to be.

Since true love of self and others comes from light within the same individual, this can be framed as the proper growth and appropriate balance of the two major categorical aspects of our identity – the inner self and the outer self. 

Inner Self and Outer Self

The inner self is the part of our identity that exists independent of our outer relationships.  The outer self is the part of our identity that is defined by our relationships to the outer world around us and through which our inner selves can appropriately connect one to another. In other words there is a truth of the self that rests independent of others, and there is a truth of the self that is inextricably linked with the groups we belong to and our relationship to them (marriage – spouse; family – sibling, parent, child; community – local, national; other groups – religious faith, gender, race, sexuality, etc.). 

In recent years I have become a big fan of Carl Jung, brilliant psychological theorist and the father of modern analytical psychology. In Jungian psychology, our personality and brain can more accurately be viewed as a network of many different varieties of personalities that can act independent of one another, and in fact will act independent of one another unless and until we gradually grow through a maturation process and integrate these personalities with one another into the conscious whole.  This integration process is what our higher order thinking is capable of doing, and may even be viewed as the primary function of our consciousness.

But left disintegrated, when that portion of the brain is activated (like the alcoholic part of the brain in someone addicted to alcohol) that personality will come out regardless of whether it has been integrated with the whole or not, and not integrated will act as if it has its own will, agenda, and desires.  Or said another way, left disintegrated the personality will act out impulsively and only in consideration of itself.  This selfishness is synonymous with hatred or sin.

The Fracture of Truth is also a Fracture of Self – As We Are Truth 

Sin, hatred, or evil can be defined as that which in a limited perspective looks desirable, but from the perspective of the whole is in reality detrimental.  Most of the time it is even detrimental in the long run to the very aspect of the self that viewed it as desirable in the first place since the narrowed viewpoint often only considers the desirability in the short term. From a Jungian perspective, we can call this a failure of integrating the personalities.  This failure to integrate the various personalities of the self disallows the whole truth of the self to be seen in appropriate harmony and balance, and therefore does not act in concert with the totality of the self.

Another way to look at this is that sin is a lie calculated to indulge a particular fractured or disintegrated part of truth at the expense of the whole.  By fracturing a portion of the truth off and focusing in on it in a way that masks the remainder of reality, you can then live out the delusion that the indulgence is desirable and preferable and see it as “good” or even loving which delusion serves to justify and mask the actual hatred of the thing sought after.

A Musical Aside

You can get a sense of this when considering music.  Music arises primarily out of inspiration as we are typically unconscious of the mathematical truths being communicated, rather we simply feel the communication.

And this is true of all human behaviors, we always begin by acting out things we intuitively understand well before we start observing what we do, and sometimes at the highest level after observation we reach the point of finally consciously articulating why we are doing the behavior we are doing and only then really comprehending it.  It starts out because it just feels right, and it is the artists world to explore the behaviors and truths of this unarticulated world that we as yet do not fully comprehend. 

As a species, as far as music goes we are mostly just in the behavior stage, it’s an art rather than a science at this point, but let me delve a little into observation and an attempted articulation. Although we mostly don’t consciously recognize it, formulated and encoded in the patterns of music are objective and specific real messages or truths being communicated. 

When you hear music that comes of darkness, or has some element of darkness in it, you can notice that it happens through fractionation if you compare it to similar but uplifting music.  The message communicated through melody, percussion, harmony, and rhythm matches the same “spirit” of the sin itself, that seeks to indulge one aspect of truth while intentionally masking the whole to create an enticing delusion where the indulgence and impulsive behavior feels justified.  Beware if you feel comfortable in the spirit that promotes these delusions, it tells you something about where you really are, and how blind or not you are to the deception, how desirous you are to entertain the false indulgences.  (And for that music that points to and acts in a harmonious whole of truth, that which opens and enlightens the mind by its communication, if your impulse is to resist or hate the feeling you likewise might want to consider what it is exposing that you so desperately want to keep hidden from yourself). 

The more hateful the sound being communicated, the more fractionated it becomes.  I’m speaking at the edges of my knowledge, but it is something I intuited 15 years ago and am only now beginning to articulate what I can feel and see.  Pay attention next time you listen to a variety of music, and I think you will see what I am getting at.

Modeling A Fracture Of Self

That was a long aside, let’s get back to behaviors and the fractionation of self.  In the broadest sense, and for the purpose of this series, all of these personalities could more simply be categorized into the two primary personalities of the self – the inner self and the outer self as displayed in the original zen image above.

Yet there is another way to diagram this inner and outer self that I think is more helpful in seeing the natural interaction between the two.  That is by diagraming a utopian neighborhood, each house with a yard and fence representing a single person. 

Now in a perfect utopian ideal where everyone is perfect matured, integrated, and therefore always acting in harmony of the whole, everything remains pristine.  Each home represents a harmonious integrated and perfectly loving individual.  As such the inner and outer selves are integrated into a single person. 

When they are in their home, they are acting on those truths of the inner self or personality.  Their yard can be considered the transition from the inner self to the outer self that of course would be incomplete without a utopian white picket fence that sets appropriate healthy boundaries between you and the outer world, letting people in when appropriate and keeping them out when appropriate, also allowing you to venture into the outer world.  And when outside of the fence the individual is acting on those truths of outer self or personality, connecting with others in all varieties of relationships and groups.

But the reality is we are not in a utopia, and we are not yet perfectly loving beings.  Instead we are not perfectly integrated and balanced and remain fractured to some degree.  So instead of the appropriate white picket fence in some places, in its place is a stone or brick wall fracturing the inner and outer self. So now at times instead of acting as one unified personality, we have a split, one person or part of our self sits inside the home while the other lives outside the wall as represented in the image below (photoshop is not my specialty).

The Results Of Fracture

Now fractured with two parts of yourself separated by a wall, what is the fundamental truth that each personality is barred from seeing correctly?  It is this – unable to see the whole, they cannot truly see the complete eternal and infinite value of self and others. 

The result of this inability to see true value, the result of being fractured, is that people’s value will only be seen in a limited sense and disproportionately so according to the particular blind spots of the fracture. This inevitably leads to seeing people in a hierarchy of value, and from there, as a consequence, placing yourself somewhere in that hierarchy.

And finally, due to this a person will be inclined to act from a place of inferiority or superiority on that principle. And due to the nature of the wall they will simultaneously be inclined to act from a place of unhealthy or dysfunctional boundaries being unable to naturally honor the full truth of the inner and outer selves simultaneously – in which they act either overly walled-off or boundary-less depending on which side of the wall they are acting from.

In Part 3, we will discuss the interplay of these two realities, and see how it can literally map and account for all sin that has and ever will exist. That truly this split, represented by the wall, is the root of all sin and hatred.  And when you can detect the root causes and motivations for all sin, true love or those actions which are motivated by the integrated balance of self, can also be seen for what it really is. And being able to see this reality is half the battle.

When we speak of love, we are usually referring to one of two things:
1) Charity, a thing which can be internally possessed
-or-
2) The utilization of that thing in action, or to love

The first I have spoken of – it is those strings of light that can be organized within us, also known as truth.  We have also touched on the second, for when we play those strings, or put that love into action, the melodies and harmonies of lived truth are the cause of true joy, happiness, and meaning.

But how can we know this love in action and recognize it from the many ways humans are also capable of acting under the guise of love, when in actuality it is partially or sometimes entirely motivated by selfishness?  How can we detect it in our own actions so that we are not caught in pretend love or perpetual self-deception, robbing ourselves of true happiness and meaning?  Or in other words, how can we detect true love from counterfeit love? 

The Spirit of Discernment

As Joseph Smith pointed out, “nothing is a greater injury to the children of men than to be under the influence of a false spirit when they think they have the Spirit of God.”  We could likewise rephrase our question in more biblical language – how is it that we can try the spirits and know what is truly the Spirit of God, and what comes of darkness?  For we have been warned in the last days that deception will become so rampant and convincing, that even the very elect (or spiritually attuned) can be deceived.  It follows that this spirit of discernment will prove an important if not altogether necessary tool in this prophesied time.

At the close of General Conference this past week, I received a distinct impression that I immediately tried to ignore because it was uncomfortable,  but I have come to realize over time that this impulse to ignore means there is something difficult for my mind to handle and the truth is therefore something important for me to pay attention to.  As I paid attention my heart started to sink. 

I really dislike apocalyptic or doomsday-like claims, they usually just seem too short-sighted or overdramatic. Typically things work out and rarely is there a deep conspiracy beyond the obvious blundering naïveté and selfishness characteristic of mortal weakness.  But despite my desires and resistance, when I was and am honest with myself I see the groundwork paved for something that is troubling me on a deeper level.

Why Must We Learn to Detect Love?

The last few years have become increasingly divisive in the church and I’d say generally across the broader western culture, but the impression that came to me is that it is only the initial rumbling preceding an inevitable clash and seismic shift that is about to occur, and who knows how long the night of these clashes can last before sunrise of truth prevails?  My sense is that this is coming due to underlying ideologies being adopted at an increasing rate that on the surface appear totally adequate, but that are ultimately irreconcilable with the narrative of the Church.

Adding fuel to the fire, and giving the devil his due, there are real problems causing real suffering that currently have no theologically revealed solution, problems these ideologies are addressing where the church is not, and so in many ways filling the void in the midst of real suffering with ideologies that claim to provide answers is very compelling, and perhaps this was inevitable.  Holes in knowledge will eventually be exposed by truth or exploited by hatred given enough time.

But are the answers people are increasingly accepting, truth?  Are they born of love?  Or will they prove a dead end that will cause destruction and heartache for those who fall prey to the enticement of easy answers?  It’s complicated, and that’s the real issue, and why I think a battle for the heart preceded by increasing tension is coming, significant enough that I think it will try the faith of some of the best among us.

It is in that spirit that I have decided to create this series, I wish to share some insights that I have had on this topic of true love versus counterfeit love, to provide my family and friends with tools that I believe will help in navigating and discerning the spirit of truth and love in a time of confusion and division.

A Starting Key

I want to start this off at a high level, and share with you something that I learned in prayer, a principle and key that has been invaluable for me in detecting truth and love.  What I learned and subsequently observed over and over again since that time is that love is motivated by light cleaving to light, or truth to truth.  The light we are drawn to, the spark of the divine that others possess is the very same light we also possess at our deepest level, which as discussed last post is the inherent and unchangeable source of our infinite value. 

And because of this, here is the grand key – true love of self or true love of others will inherently and simultaneously manifest itself as love of both because the light in one cannot be loved without loving the light in the other. As it is the nature of light, which we are, it can be no other way. 

Counterfeit love on the other hand, as we will explore more in subsequent posts, is really good at mimicking one or the other, but will find a very difficult time acting as both.  If you can remember only one thing, I hope you will remember this key, because I think it can change your outlook and ability to discern truth in the midst of contention and the loud competing voices that threaten to drown out peace and hope. 

What I would like to do is build upon this principle to create more nuanced models of reality that I believe can hone in and magnify our ability to recognize true love from counterfeit love, and then explore some specific examples to make the principle more concrete. Stated another way this can arm us with the ability to detect whether the influences we feel are coming from the Spirit of God or of a devil masked as angel of light.  And I believe these principles can not only help us improve our discernment as we navigate our faith and religion, but can extend to our navigation in the world generally and to all our interpersonal relationships – for all good things are founded on truth. 

Some of the modeling may take some time to really absorb properly, but ultimately I think you will see a simplicity to it and find it worth the effort.  After building the foundations up, we will use what we have learned to illuminate and detect love in a couple common areas of life we are likely all familiar with – male and female pair-bonding relationships as well as conservative and liberal political beliefs, which pattern can then be used with religious principles and beliefs, or any other principle of truth.

In Part 2 we will begin developing and exploring some of these models.

It seems by nature I have always been a very private person.  This blog is making that truth stare at me in the face, I have written roughly four more posts, all of which I haven’t felt comfortable enough sharing.  The post as a tribute to my brother, I just did not feel ready to go there publicly, the others I am still trying to understand if the timing did not feel right, other things in my life took precedence, or perhaps there is something in me that is just not up to the task quite yet.

But what keeps me motivated, the reason I want to continue is that I continue to see pain and suffering around me, and in some measure I feel I can do something about that.  The light that has distilled upon my soul over the past few years has made a much needed difference, how can I sit and hide that light when people I care about might benefit?  Our manifested talents have a lot of variation, is there truly love if we cannot share these with each other?  I speak mostly to myself, I hope to be stronger.

Worth of the Soul

One of the subjects that has been pressing upon my mind is concerning the worth of the soul.  It is interesting, while I always trusted the worth of each soul and individual was immense and perhaps even incomprehensible, this idea floated around that value is intrinsic while sounding nice, didn’t ultimately make sense to me.

Or if I accepted it as intrinsic, I interpreted that to mean that our complex and large souls within us at their varying degrees of growth had immense value and even greater potential.  But to say my worth measured up to God’s for example, made no sense to me.  Clearly what God is capable of and has done for the universe is orders upon orders of magnitude greater in value to the universe and all mankind than the value I personally have to offer, even if from the eyes of God that is still considered great and precious.

That is simply how I viewed worth, and it didn’t seem reasonable to my mind to view it in any other way.   This idea that your worth cannot change did not resonate with me, and I really didn’t give it much thought, because the alternative felt non-sensical to me from the outset.

Dependent Worth

That all started to change when I consciously began to recognize that the natural conclusion that I was accepting, was that my worth was ultimately based on the true abilities I have or develop.  And as I noticed this, I began to recognize motives in me that aligned with this belief, and actions in my own life that followed.

In following these actions what I realized is that it gave me this sort of intrinsic ‘need’ to achieve.  One part of me believed I was a strong and capable human being, and it seemed people close around me seemed to believe that about me too, or at least that’s the message I internalized, and yet there was another part of me that wondered, “Is it really true, am I really as capable as I want to believe? Have I really done anything in life that shows it is true?”  Or in other words to my mind, “am I really worth as much as I want to believe?”

I had several good motives for many of the significant choices I was making in my life, yet now looking back I can see that some other motives at times aligned with the good motives allowing them to be masked behind goodness.

When I reflected on this seeming need for achievement, I began to see the many times I had allowed it to blind me from truth.  How a drive for a goal became at times too important to fail and therefore I could and would let other in reality more important things lay to the side. And on occasion I made seemingly irrational or haphazard decisions to push for ultimate success in the way I envisioned, despite the real risks and truth before me that could have pointed to a more appropriate pivoting and greater chance at long-term success and the things that mattered most to me.

Because, I ‘needed’ to get to that achievement, and I needed it sooner than later, and then ‘phew’, then I could really breath.  The anxiety could rest, because I could show to myself that I was indeed what I wanted to believe all along.  I was good enough, I was what I thought I was worth all along.

Facing My Motives

Recognizing this motive in me was painful, but even more-so surprising.  I had convinced myself that I was fully secure, and here I was finding out that I was not as secure as I had supposed.  What did it say of my beliefs?

I had always thought it was silly to base one’s worth on other people’s opinions of you – such a fleeting and ever changing source, how could it be viable?

Basing worth on material things, that seemed all the more irrational to my mind, what does some external possession have to do with you – I could have all the money in the world, and it would mean nothing to me (other than I would really enjoy the time it bought me).

And then there were the people who seemed to base their worth on who they knew, who they were associated with, and again I thought how silly to base worth on something that is not you.

In all of these 3 instances I could see the beam and flaw in others’ beliefs and reasoning and yet now as I looked at my own belief – that worth was based on ability (and perhaps achievement that revealed that ability) – was it not doing the same thing in my own life that these other beliefs were doing to other people?

Was it not a drive that was filling a void of insecurity, that blinds a person to truth, and makes them behave in unloving ways? I concluded it must be a different manifestation of the same deception.

Where Does Worth Come From?

And so I wondered what could be the truth?  And for the first time in my life I really considered the proposition that value and worth are intrinsic and permanent.

“Do people recognize how bold of a proposition that is?”, I wondered to myself as I tried to internalize the belief.  It led my mind to thoughts like, “That would mean Hitler has as much value as Jesus, and ultimately God.  Could that really be true?”  I had strong doubts, but pondering on it, there was something to it that began to resonate.  And clearly my life experiences, the seeds of my previous beliefs, had grown and borne some bad fruit.

There had to be a better way.  Was this really it?  It began to feel right, but how could it be?  I did not know, but I began to accept it on faith, experiment upon this new word.  And for the time being I shelved away the question and getting an answer to, “how could it be so, how could worth be totally intrinsic?”.

Strings of Light

More than a year passed, and now I sat in vision perceiving the strings of light I shared in an earlier post.  There are some elements to that experience that I did not share.  One of the most profound aspects for me was the following.

As I looked upon the whole of it – the strings that represented the mind of man/woman – I perceived that all truth was there.  And not only was it all there, I then perceived that the same applied to all minds in existence.  Or in other words, all intelligent beings already possess all strings of light, at the basest level.  On a higher level, the differences that we see between intelligent beings is that these strings of light are in various states of organization or disorganization.

Therefore as I witnessed the process in which we gather truth and light within us, I saw that it is not so much an obtaining of light and truth as much as it is a discovery and manifestation of the true nature that lies within us.  And my mind and soul were immediately filled with joy and gratitude.  Here before me I saw displayed the infinite, immutable, and eternal worth and love of man/woman.  My question was answered, the seed had borne fruit, this was how it could be.  The feeling of joy in this understanding persisted with me for weeks.

Us, In a New Light

So much of the way I view the world, people around me, and myself has fundamentally changed because of this experience.

For example, there was a part of me that could be very competitive, and at rarer times even jealous when I saw the great achievements of other people, particularly if I had failed at the same.  It felt like it challenged what I was, or although I might not have seen it that way at the time – what I was worth, my value.

That world view has been burst into a thousand pieces.  My heart now sings when I see greatness and goodness manifested by my fellow man.

For my own talents, it used to be I would often feel embarrassed or a need to downplay good that I had done, because I didn’t want to feel or give a feeling that such a talent made me better than another person in some way.  But now, I no longer feel the need to hide my positive traits.

Because the fundamental truth that I have learned is –  that the greatness and goodness displayed by our self, fellow friends, family, and all of humanity is a manifestation of the true and internal nature of all of us.  Whether that manifestation is athletic, artistic, strong, physically beautiful, smart, insightful, kind, or loving – it is great cause for celebration, and really a celebration together, because it is a manifestation of  what is in all of us.

Co-Equal With God Himself

Joseph Smith was recorded as saying in the King Follet Sermon nearing the end of his own life in Nauvoo, “The mind or the intelligence which man possesses is co-equal with God himself”, which Joseph Fielding Smith in compiling The Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith thought must have been recorded in error.

But I have learned and witnessed for myself that it is a true teaching.  No amount of achievement, no amount of praise, no amount or degree of relationship or personal connection, no amount of material gain, and even no amount of righteousness or sin – can ever change the innate, eternal, and glorious worth of man/woman.

And lastly I will say, this is something my younger brother Curtis seemed to inherently know through his life.  My family cannot remember him speaking an ill word against anyone, how remarkable is that? He was ever the champion of both the seeming weakest and strongest among us; he was everyone’s biggest fan. I think that will stand as his legacy on this side of the veil, and so I wish to proudly add my testimony that he gave and displayed with his life that the worth of each individual, including ourselves, is truly great, eternal, and worthy of our love, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

As I reflected on all of this, it suddenly became clear what my paradigm had violated.  It stood incompatible with this fundamental truth – that love is a gift, always.

Love Is A Gift

For if love is truly seen as a gift, gratitude would always follow, no matter the degree of love – big or small. Therefore the existence of a baseline, a certain threshold of decency and expectation, could not righteously exist in a relationship.  It was a fallacy.  It infringed on one another’s agency.

And how so?  By expecting a certain level of goodness, no matter how small, that pressure robs the other person the opportunity to show they would do it of their own free will and choice without the existence of that pressure, to show that it is in fact a choice of love, that it is a gift.  What right do you have to rob them of that opportunity?

And furthermore it robs the receiver the ability to see the truth of the act, that it is indeed a gift and not something owed, which robs the person of the joy and appreciation they could otherwise have in these acts of love in their behalf, no matter how small.

Removing Expectation

The removal of such a threshold, or to say that a loving relationship cannot rightly include any degree of expectation, conversely requires you to honor the full extent of another person’s agency.  And this feels right.  They are free to choose good or evil, love or hatred, and it is their fundamental right to be able to choose those with equal validity.

When they choose hatred, you would not therefore feel cheated, because you did not feel entitled to the opposite choice in the first place.  Do you see on the other hand how this allows you to see the true nature of the gift that goodness really is when it is given?  That love is truly a gift?  Because you had no expectation that it would be given.  It allows you to appreciate the true nature of goodness, and to experience the full joy that it entails.

This is not to say that if your partner, child, parent, or sibling chooses hatred that you would feel happy about it.  No, you can see hatred for what hatred is, it is simply that you recognize that they have the right to choose it.  What you get to choose is how to respond.

Perhaps further boundaries are necessary to build with consistent patterns of hateful behavior, or ultimately you may have to break off that relationship entirely if they have no intention or apparent ability to build something of goodness with you.  Yet if they do choose good, and you also choose good, wow, what a rare a special thing to be celebrated, whether those elements of love are big or even something smaller.

Feeling Owed – A Comforting Delusion, An Act of Hatred

Seeing this, I could now understand the motivation that perpetuates this type of behavior, the incentive or advantage that comes from feeling owed a degree of goodness from one another, despite its negative consequences.  In practice ‘allowing’ another person full space and freedom, recognizing their inherent right to choose evil and do evil against you, is a very vulnerable place to put yourself.  It does not feel safe.  It’s a hard pill to swallow to say I choose this relationship with you, knowing that you have equal right to choose hatred and evil toward me if that is what you want.

Instead I think in our weakness, it is very human to want to believe we have some level of control in our relationships, that there is some measure of safety or protection against evil and wrongdoing.  If the other person owes us basic decency, or owes a certain degree of goodness because of their commitment to us, then we can therefore rightly pressure and demand that it be given to us.

It is a comforting delusion to believe we have any real control over what a person will or will not choose toward us in the first place.  It might feel safe, but it is certainly not a loving way to treat another person, to essentially want to hold their will hostage for your own personal assurance and anxiety reduction.

While it may be an understandable impulse, it is definitely a self-serving impulse at the expense of the other person.  In other words, to feel owed and hold expectations for particular behaviors in any relationship is inherently hateful.

The Truth of Agency

The truth of agency is this – that no person owes another person anything.  I was speaking to a friend about this concept, and that the expectation of common decency from one another is a fallacy.  Thinking through the concept, in a flippant way he said something to the effect, “There have to be certain lines, surely I don’t have to sit here and be grateful that you are not killing me right now, or locking me in a prison.”

In the context of the conversation it was a light-hearted and funny comment, but then I replied, “Why not?” continuing, “It hasn’t always been that way in the history of the world, maybe that is something to be grateful for.”

Let’s take this back to God.  We’re coming full circle, if you have made it this far I applaud you!  If you have checked out a little bit, go ahead and take a quick mental pause, and prepare your mind to be at a little higher state, I think this principle could make a difference in improving your quality of life, or at least it has for me.

Does God Feel Owed?

I believe God understands and lives by this same principle – that if He were to feel owed or hold expectations it would likewise be hateful, infringe upon our agency, and God would cease to be God.  So let us go straight to the heart of it, the Atonement performed by Christ in our behalf. For surely if there is anything that we can be indebted to in our existence, it would be this.

Do we owe God or Christ our goodness, our loyalty, because of the great sacrifice made in our behalf?  I am arguing that in fact no, we do not owe God or Christ anything, despite any type of sacrifice made in our behalf, or even despite the gift of creation and life that allows us to make choices and express our will in the first place. Why?

It would be unrighteous of God to expect anything for it.  And this seems right, for wouldn’t it cheapen the gift being offered if it came with strings attached?  Such an idea feels so ungodly to me.

I believe the reality is that Christ is beyond just a grown man, but has reached the stature of the fullness of God.  And as such He made His own choice, an informed choice, a choice of His own free will and doing. In other words, as an act of love, it truly was a sacrifice that He freely gave – no strings attached.  We do not owe Him anything in return.

Yes, it might not be loving to ignore it, it might be terribly ungrateful, and even hateful depending on your understanding of the gift being offered. But then again, that’s your right, equally valid to choose hate and evil as it is to choose good.

God Wants Us To Be Free

Accepting the gift of the atonement, being grateful for it, and loving God back is not something God feels “owed” in return.  Therefore if you do choose to accept God’s gifts, that too is an act of love (even if small in comparison), not a requirement, and therefore something God appreciates and something you can be proud of for choosing.

I believe God wants us to be free, free to be whatever we want to be. The music that you will play in your life with the strings you have organized is entirely your prerogative.   There is something deeply sweet to me and refreshing about this idea.  In the next post I’d like to explore this in more depth – and the implications it has on how we approach obedience.

If we do not owe even God, what are the implications in our human relationships – friends, spouses, siblings, child to parent, parent to child?  Understanding this truth, if you answered yes to any of the questions at the beginning of Part I, how might you approach those situations better now?

The Difference In My Life

For me, coming to this realization, I gained a desire to truly honor the agency of everyone around me by not feeling owed any degree of goodness – and honoring their right to choose good or evil toward me as they desired.

Surprisingly, it moments of hatred toward me, I have felt much more free to call it out – because acknowledging the behavior that in my view was hateful did not imply I thought they should or were required to change that behavior if they didn’t want to, I simply expressed how I viewed it and asserted my right to choose how to respond.

And it moments of love, my gratitude has grown in orders of magnitude and my happiness in the same measure, and without a self-constructed and artificial threshold of expectation I have found great joy and gratitude in small things that I never knew there was joy to be had in.

Unexpected Results

By viewing and treating others this way, something unexpected happened, I began to see something change in me unintentionally.  Suddenly I began to see the good that I chose in a new light – I began to appreciate the things that I did good, or the times that I showed love to others.  I didn’t have to do that, I don’t owe the world my best, I don’t owe the world anything.

I began to have far more compassion on myself in my weaknesses, more patience for myself for when I might reach the better place I want to be at one day.  Because I don’t owe anybody my progress either – to have to be a certain type of person.

And wow, I can’t tell you the massive weight this lifted off my shoulders, a heavy burden that I didn’t even realize I was carrying for most of my life.  I have so much more joy in who I am, and what I am doing in life.  I can appreciate the here and now and bask in the music that I am able to play now without any type of pressure to run somewhere else faster than I have strength.  And that has been wonderful.

It was April 2016 General Conference weekend, a little over a year and a half since the world as I knew it ruptured and collapsed.  It had been an uphill battle to this point, climbing and fighting to put the pieces back together in both my inner and outer worlds trying to establish a life the best I knew how.  God had never forsaken me, and in my greatest moments of need when in a very real way it seemed all was lost, a path was placed before me.  I didn’t always have the faith that it would happen, but it did.  I felt deeply grateful, and yet still stunned, still processing.  It had now been about a month since my divorce had been finalized, something I had never considered a real option much less a possibility in my own life.

I felt great peace as I sat on my couch watching and listening, like I was able to breathe fresh crisp air again after a long period of breathing smog.  And while I heard a thought here or there from the speaker, it felt as if the Spirit sat with me like an old friend guiding my thoughts where I needed to go, aiding me in processing and learning.  It went on like this at various levels of tiredness and alertness for the next two days.

Nearing the close of the conference, as I was reflecting upon what I heard and all that I had been experiencing, my mind was suddenly caught up and I had a very strong visual pressed upon my mind.  In this visual I saw what appeared like organized strings of light, and as I thought on them I understood that these strings collectively represented the spirit or mind of man/woman.  As I looked on them further and contemplated their meaning, I then understood that each string of light represented an element of love or truth.  Or in other words a string was a portion of love, that accorded with a particular principle of truth, that an individual had organized within themselves.  The more strings organized within a person, the greater love they had obtained. 

As I continued to look upon it, I realized that it was like an instrument – not that it appeared so much like an instrument as much as that I understood that it was comparable to an instrument.  And as I looked closer I saw that these strings had a natural vibration to them.  I then perceived that this natural vibration of the strings is the cause of what we call peace.  It was state of being.

I then looked more broadly, and I saw while these strings had a natural resting state/vibration, it was also possible that these strings could be ‘played’.  I saw that the strings could be played by acting upon or living these principles of love – and by doing so music was played.  I perceived that this music was the sensation or experience we call joy or happiness, the melodies and harmonies of lived truth.

In this frame of mind this realization was amazing to me, I felt a sense of awe, for I had always supposed that happiness was something we get to, something that is reached.  But here I understood a big distinction, peace was a state of being from the love within, the peace of love,  but happiness was something that you do.  Or in other words joy is an active experience – a way of life.  As soon as you stop doing, peace or who you are does not cease, but happiness does.  Continue with the music, and you are living happiness again.

I then could see that salvation likewise is not so much a place we reach or even a station we attain; salvation is largely a way of life.  By living/playing love that person is experiencing happiness and is  therefore “in salvation”.  On the opposite hand, if an individual ‘plays’ principles of hate and discord, the music they experience is the feeling of misery and they therefore do not have salvation. And whether in this world or the world to come, it is the same.  In other words living/playing hate or selfishness is misery.  Living/playing love is happiness.  It gave new meaning to the old question, “Are you saved?”

Eventually the experience ended.  I’ve reflected a lot on that experience since.  It wasn’t the very beginning of the paradigm shift that I’ve had, nor the end of it either, but I feel like in many ways it sits at the heart and center of the changes I’ve experienced. And for that reason I wanted to share it with you.

In future posts, I look forward to speaking more practically to how these ideas and others branching out from them have changed my outlook and approach to life, that has made such a difference for me.  I would love to hear your thoughts, I appreciate all of you who are in my life, and look forward to next time!

Hi, my name is Steve. I am a dad to two amazing children who keep me laughing and constantly on my toes. I am an entrepreneur at heart and have a deep love of life and learning. Some of my passions include music, soccer, and trying to understand quite literally how everything works.  We live in Chicago and are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which lies at core of who I am.

The last few years of my life have been a period of refinement.  Those close to me know that a lot has changed in my world during this time – a tapestry of grief, loss, hope, despair, pain, growth and love.  But despite the many outward changes, perhaps from a long-term view one of the most significant changes that has taken place during this process of refinement has been a major paradigm shift in the way I view life itself.  The pains and beauty of life have simultaneously become more pronounced, I feel them more acutely, and I have found my capacity for love and joy have both increased.  What I want in life, what I want from life, and how I approach life have all been fundamentally changed, and I believe changed for the better.

I have created this blog because I believe some of these insights and some of the continuing insights that come from this paradigm shift could be valuable to my family and friends as we continue in this shared journey of mortal life.  And I consider anyone seeking or desiring to seek goodness, a friend.  In the same way I also enjoy learning and find value in the insights other people bring to the table through their experiences, and hope this can be a two way street.

I think there are many things that we could and will want to discuss here. As I reflected on it I believe the center and essence of those conversations will be love and joy – the two great purposes of life. What is love? What is joy? How do I obtain love? How can I experience joy? Why does it matter? Why does life matter?

To that end, in the upcoming and first non-introductory post I would like to share an experience with you that gets to the heart of these questions, and that has provided me a simple and yet very meaningful model for understanding the experiential phenomena we call love and joy.  My hope is that this model might provide a foundation and framework to introduce you to the paradigm shift I’ve had in the way I view and approach life, a shift that has brought greater love and joy into my own life.

And whether this blog ends up being a few posts or many posts, whether it is read by a few close friends or more, I believe it will be a journey worth taking and look forward to doing so together.